Dear CV,
Please don’t bring my hopes up if you’re only going to let me down. Please don’t play me like a fool. Please don’t be acting like you like me even when the truth is that you don’t. Please don’t force me to become attached to you even though you’re just planning to discard me eventually. I know that what we have isn’t necessarily something that most people would consider to be official. I know that our relationship isn’t as solid as other peoples’.
I know that we’ve never had “that talk” and that I have no right to be demanding commitment from you. Maybe I played a somewhat important role in your life, but not important enough to actually do something about it. I didn’t mean as much to you as I may have wanted to. I didn’t play that significant of a role in your life that would actually compel you to fight for me; to make an effort for me. I know that I wanted to be everything to you, but you weren’t willing to let me be that for you. I know that I wanted to be the one who held the key to your heart, but you didn’t want to let yourself become vulnerable to me in that way.
I always feel an immense happiness and joy whenever I get to spend time with you. I get butterflies deep inside my tummy whenever you are around. I feel like my heart skips a beat whenever I hear your name. But none of that is ever going to be good enough for me. None of that will be enough to satisfy me. I want to spend as much of my time with you as I can. I want to be able to give my whole world to you.
I want to be able to give you everything that I am in the hopes that you would do the same for me. But I know that I’m only going to end up being heartbroken when it’s all said and done. I know that my heart is only going to end up in a million pieces when you’re through with me. I know that if I give my heart to you, I’m going to end up crying myself to sleep every night as a result. And that’s what scares me. It scares me because I’m the kind of person who always lets the heart lead the way. I always live my life according to my feelings and not on reason.
My heart always seems to win over my mind. And even though I know it’s a bad idea to give myself to you, my heart is imploring me to do so anyway. It’s as if all of my logic is compromised because of the emotional effect that you have on me. All of my reason is gone because of how enamored I am by you. All of my better judgment is completely thrown out of the window because of this little thing called love. And what makes things worse is that my love seems to be growing more and more with each passing day.
It’s as if even though I know it’s bad for me, I just keep on coming back for it. And it’s not necessarily something that I can control. It’s not something that I can just will out of my life. It’s like a virus that is eating away at my insides, and I just happen to be helpless to its advances.
However, I do know that you don’t feel the same way. I do know that you can’t replicate the love that I have for you in the same manner. And I also do know that there is very little hope for you to change. But I can’t help but wish for things to be better. I still can’t help but wish that somehow reality is going to defy logic. I can’t help but wish that you would eventually fall for me too even though I know that it’s a real long shot.
I wish that you could see me as a genuine partner; someone with whom you can experience things in life with. I no longer want to be the one who is always hearing about you and your experiences. I want to be experiencing these things with you. I want to be the one who is standing at your side as you make your way through life’s various ups and downs. I know that I am a person of value, and I just wish that you would be able to see that as well. But if all of that is a practical impossibility, then just please stay away from me. Don’t lead me on. Don’t get me hooked. Don’t drag me along if you’re just going to ditch me along the way.
The Other Side of Me 